Your Cat Will Eat You When You Die!

Cats. As mysterious as they are vexing, they were once revered as sacred by ancient Egyptians... and they never let us forget it! We give them love, food, attention, play... and they give us stone-cold stares of judgement and condemnation. They make it clear that any affection they give us is on *their* terms, not ours. Yet, despite their seemingly stand-offish behavior, we continue to dote on them like the sacred, four-footed gods from which they believe themselves directly descended. But, why?! In order to reveal the source of their veiled mysteries, we must first examine the "science" behind their weird behavior. 5 Reasons Cats Are Both Bad-*ss and Scary... and Likely Don't Give a Sh*t About Us

1. You ARE the "Crazy Cat Lady"!!!

Researchers suspect that as much as 10–20% of the United States population may be infected with brain-altering parasites transmitted by cat feces, called Toxoplasma gondii (T. gondii). This number is even higher in other countries, where cats run rampant and feral. Apparently, the parasite can be spread from cleaning cat litter boxes (which is why pregnant women should avoid doing so), eating unwashed vegetables (get out of my garden boxes, you darn cats!!), and even drinking water (more common in less developed countries). Once T. gondii invades our brains, the parasites have been shown to "trigger schizophrenia in genetically susceptible people."


2. Your cat is manipulating you with its meow!

Cats understand the differences between purring, meowing, and how to effectively combine the two in order to make their domesticated care givers do their evil bidding. Okay... maybe there's no "evil bidding" at play, but they ARE telling you when they want—nay, EXPECT—to be fed. Along with "solicitation purrs" used to make us get off the couch to feed them, like, NOW... well trained humans can also detect when their cats are feeling content or distressed, thus "enhancing the level of care or cooperation [cats] receive" from their human slaves.


3. Your cat's not deaf, it's just ignoring you.

Cats have impeccable hearing. The 32 muscles in their ears allow them to move their ears 180 degrees, focusing in on sounds from 20 hertz up to around 65,000–80,000 hertz. That means that cats can hear sounds up to five times better, in terms of distance, than humans. What's more, cats can recognize the voices of their owners. But, just because they can differentiate between their owners' voices and the voices of strangers doesn't mean they care when they're called. Next time you're calling out to your out-of-sight cat, know that when (and if) it comes bounding back in front of you, it came because it wanted to... not necessarily because you called it!


4. Those dead "presents" your cat brings you are there to keep you alive, thus continuing the master(cat)-slave(you) relationship with it.

When our beloved felines present us with dead rats, squirrels, or birds, they're basically telling us that they think we're too stupid to feed ourselves. In the wild, cats are natural hunters. In order to teach their wee kitten babies how to survive in the cruel, cruel world, mother cats will bring their kittens dead or injured critters to teach them how to eat their food. But, cats know we're not kittens. So, are they just being motherly? Or are they ensuring the survival of the hands that feed them? I vote the latter, because cats are smart, and humans are dumb... or, at least, that's what our cats think. ( 5. Your cat will eat you when we die.

Look... if I was dead on the floor, I wouldn't blame my poor cat for eating me! Cursed without the luxury of opposable thumbs, how on earth would it open a can of food on its own!? The good news: our cats won't actually kill us, they'll more likely eat us after we've already died. If you're super reclusive, die alone, and have indoor pets, pets will just eventually get too hungry to NOT eat you! It's a pretty common occurrence, believe it or not, referred to as postmortem predation. A writer from paraphrased a forensic pathologist at the 1992 American Academy of Forensic Sciences conference in New Orleans as saying, "In my experience, a dog may go for several days before finally resorting to eating the owner's body. A cat, on the other hand, will only wait a day or two." Lesson learned: cats give zero sh*ts about you! (